Convalesence

I think I might be getting over One Direction. I'm not sure yet, but I'm both glad and sad at the same time. Glad because I'm finally having time to study and stuff. Sad because, for months, i have considered these boys as my best friends. They never knew that I've existed, but they understood in some ways. 

I'll never forget that I was once a directioner. Oh, sorry. i am a directioner. Forever will be. 

Friend, Foe or just a Fucking Freeloader

It's pretty immature of me to think of people this way. I'm not perfect, I know. But I too have a brain that can perfectly function. Why don't I give my own definition of the words from my title.

FRIEND - it's someone, close or not, who you can talk to. About anything. not feeling awkward. Feeling comfortable around them. My issue about this is that, I doubt that I have any. Well, I have one. I think. I can tal to her, and she even told me herself that I was her best friend. that she feels comfortable talking to me and that I'm a good listener. But I'm afraid that she's not one to trust. I mean she can completely trust me. I'm fine with her secrets and whaever insecurities or worries she has in life. But I'm not really sure if I trust her enough to keep mine.

FOE - well, it'some one who's treacherous. I'm not talking about the same girl.maybe other two girls. We're friends. (i think) but the thing is They are my friends,but am I their friend?

FREELOADER - someone who's only friends with you because of who you are, what you have or what you are capable of. Just there when she needs you, maybe there when you need a little favor like givingyou company whileyou eat your lunch. you know just to hide the act.

You? who do you think you are from these? I'm not one to judge. 'cause maybe. just maybe I'm all three. (I'm not really sure of the free loader -- maybe not to my friends)

I'm writing a story.

Yeah! I'm writing a story. Well, my alter ego is.maybe I'll post it in my personal if I get good feedback. but yeah..... i don't really know. Maybe I'll post it in here so I could save it. or in wattpad or where ever. Something in me wanted to be a writer, but I could be that and still be a doctor. I'll find a way. I have to. If I want to survive both my academical and social(?) life, then I have to stay sane. and be crazy well, just on front of a laptop or an ipad or a phone, well, basically, The internet. I don't even know if you read this... But i figred, I only get page views 'cause people think that I am the Real_Liam_Payne. Well, I'm not, sorry to ruin your moment. I just wanted to stay hidden. if even possible. I'm not ready to show myself just yet.

Is this just a phase?

Why do i get irritated so easily? It's like if I decide not to like you, I don't like anything you do. Like I'd just shut you down on every conversation we are going to have. I'm trying to be nice, but I think the hate comes out naturally. And it's fucking annoying to think that I'm like this. I hate myself for being like this. But I also hate people. Shit! Is something wrong with me? Should I go see a shrink or something? Is it even healthy.

I wanna see a shrink but I don't have the money to do so. I don't know why, but maybe I just wanna talk to someone. Maybe I'm scared to talk to someone... Or maybe I feel superior towards people but I'm really not. Ugh!

Disappointment

I'm so disappointed at myself. Mad is overrated. But what I don't understand, is that no matter how I try I still end up failing. Obviously I don't try my best but I tried. Am I that stupid that I barely pass? Am I such a dummy to not even have an almost-past-just-needed-a-little-push score? I'm not like this. It's getting in to me. I want to talk to someone but I don't know who to talk to. I'm not scared that I'd be humiliated, or people would talk about me. That's bullshit. Being disappointed at myself is one thing, but the people you love getting disappointed too is what I'm scared of. I belong to a brilliant family. I don't know, but they seemed to have effortlessly good grades! They top exams. They graduate as valedictorians, and I'm just here, barely making it. I have a lot of regrets in life. The biggest regret I've aver have is believing in myself too much. Thinking that I can still do it. Thinking that I'll make it. That just passing is good enough. I never wanted to be on top of my class. I think that there's too much pressure. But I get it now, they study hard so they won't get stressed about passing. I'm so disappointed. I didn't make it. I'm a failure.

Bored. (One Direction)

So I'm really bored. But I don't know what to write about. So I'm just gonna do what I am suppose to do on this blog. Tell a story. Haha

I don't know if people actually read what I write here. But I don't really mind if they do or don't. As long as I write.

Well, my url says "liamsbirthmark" i think. Pertaining to Liam Payne's neck birthmark. Some of you might know. And The name that pops out, says Liam Payne, composes these blogs. But clearly he's not. You see, I'm a fan of Liam. In fact, as I said to my previous blog, I love One Direction. No need to judge. I have a pretty good reason I love them.

For some people, they're just a good-looking, boy band with accents. To fans, they're these five boys who, to be honest, are actually just the boys you see in school. Only with better hair. People say we only like them because of their looks. Yes, that adds up to why we love them. But what really struck me is their personalities. They don't care if they look stupid in front of people. They didn't care what other people think of them, because they know that they have each other to lean on. Gay, you may say, well if being true to yourself on and off screen is gay. Then might as well Have everybody gay. Boys, admit it. If you were given the opportunity to inspire other people and get paid of what you do most, would you actually turn them down? I'm not here to rub their success on anyone's face so I'm gonna stop there.

Back to how i like them. Before, i have told you that I was used to liking rock music. Now, One Direction. Honestly, They're the only exception to my musical taste. Because, their personalities struck me. I am what you call "one of the boys" kind of girl. So seeing good-looking teenage boys and they sing. Well, that!/ panty-dropping. I have a weakness for happy boys. You know, mischievous.

But apart from the mischief they do, One boy struck me most. My greatest weakness, THE SMILE. When I saw Liam smile, he just looks so happy. I watched his 2010 audition on X factor, and he smiled in the end. It was adorable. The fact that he sang a Michael Bublé song, then he looks so broad and masculine for a 16-year-old. With such a powerful voice... You wouldn't believe that that adorable smile could actually come from a guy like that. Which made it more adorable.

Honestly, out of the five, i prefer Liam's voice the most. No biased done. And I'll explain why soon. I just have to sign off for a moment. :)

-K

School

School hasn't been in my favor these past few weeks. Or am I not in favor of school. Anyway, I'm not liking it. I needed the drive. I've got the motivation down, but I just can't push myself. It's not like I don't care. I just get distracted a lot. Then I end up regretting everything. It's like I'm numb from all the bad grades, I just accept with what I do. I hate this feeling. I want to be better. But i don't know how.

-K